Chapter 4: Salvador Dali's Alice

Cheshire: Salvador Dali's Alice?

Why is it nowadays that whenever somebody reinterprets Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland that they feel compelled to make it into something dark, disturbing and deeply troubling? From Tim Burton to American McGee, the modern vision of Alice is that of one sick, twisted little bitch! In Second Life, nothing is different. Here however, you can visit Cheshire, and live a little of it for yourself.

Is Alice...preggers???

Here we have a Wonderland envisioned by Salvador Dali rather than John Tenniel. Surrealistic landscapes and sculpts fill the sim. Cheshire's been around a long time and is currently boasting a new build. But whereas the old build was airy, huge and whimsical, the current build seems gloomy and claustrophic. Sculpted trees, mushrooms and other objects clutter up the sim, making a view of more than a few meters impossible. And in true, modern "Alice" interpretation, the place is more disturbing than fun. But if disturbing is your thing (and it should be), let's have a look around. Your journey begins in the welcome area where you will meet none other than Alice herself! But this Alice is not the cute little kid from the Disney cartoon. She's about 12 feet tall with a figure like a sack of doorknobs. Or could it be that perhaps our little Alice has been--gulp!--Knocked up?

Our miniscule avatar gets to go where Lewis Carroll never got!

Speaking of knocks, go back and knock at the little door in the welcome pad. It will take through a portal to Alice's Bedroom! When you arrive, you suddenly realize that you've somehow been reduced to about three inches tall! (And three inches is such a wretched height). You land on her bureau. Go have a look in her drawer...a giant syringe seems to tell us more about Alice than we'd care to know. Fly on around the room; you can look through Alice's closet and then go to the one place Lewis Carroll never got around to going (but lord knows he wanted to): Alice's bed! (Hmm...the arm straps seem a little interesting. What are the sim owners trying to tell us about poor little Alice?)

Drop down to the floor and you can have a ride on Alice's Train, 'round and 'round her room--forever if you wish. Might be a bit scary, though, once you realize that the guy driving the train is...Babar the elephant!!!

If you ever want out of Alice's giant room, you have to go out the way you came in. So it's back up to her bureau and back on down to Cheshire. I suppose any good "Alice" journey it's best to start with a trip down a rabbit hole, right? So let's travel NE until we see a large tree. The White Rabbit seems in an awful hurry to get inside, but we can actually beat him to it! Down, down we go--into JacqueMate, Cheshire's own "Alice" inspired jewelry shop. Nice stuff--but don't try out the poseballs in there, unless you want your avatar to wind up in some awfully embarrassing positions!

Out the rabbit hole and to the right, we may pay a visit on The Duchess. She isn't home, but we can have a look around anyway. Her portrait hangs above the fireplace. My gosh--she really was ugly! That pig she called a baby roots around the kitchen. But wait...what is that horrible scary whispering sound? We have a quick look around the back of the house to discover a cemetery. Don't try to get into that cemetery--the Card Guard will push you back out. But wait--something seems to be wrong with him. Could it be? Yes! Good lord--the Card Guard has become...a zombie!!! Heavens to Betsy--you don't suppose that Queen really did chop off his head for painting those roses red, and now he's one of the Undead?

Evil Zombie Cards!

An islet behind the house brings even worse horrors--here you will find a whole pack of Card Zombies! You will be given a gun to shoot them off, but it's really no use--they'll just keep coming! And who knew cards could bleed so much?

Twirl 'til you hurl on the Mad Hatter's Teacups Ride!

Traveling counter-clockwise from the Duchess, you may discover Just in the Nick of Time, a shop that sells highly unusual interactive objects. Then onto a small castle where you will find Desade Designs. Inside, you may ride the Mad Hatter's Teacups. As is the case with most SL "rides," it doesn't really work, but you may get dizzy looking at your avatar having all the fun.

Take that wicket and stick you, you flaky flamingos!!!

Exiting Desade Designs, you'll notice a bunch of flamingos having fits, a large mushroom patch and a huge table set out for a tea party. Beyond that is Catnip, where you may buy more Wonderland souvenirs. But you may want to think twice about, um, entering that shop. I mean--well, just look at the picture and think about it. Just think about it.

Just to the left of Catnip is the Tweedle Theatre. I have no idea what kinds of performances go on here, but one look at the backdrop is enough to give us nightmares for years. So let's move on. Brrr! Another castle is the home of Blue Blood, where you may purchase elegant Victorian and Steampunk gowns. And that's about all for Cheshire.

No, stupid--sit in the chair! You can't go through the mirror!

But wait--it turns out that Cheshire is conjoined with yet another "Alice" sim. Work your way to the Eastern section of the sim where you will find a little chair beneath a looking glass. Sit on the chair and poof! You're in Jabberwocky! (Hey, I thought Alice went through the mirror, not the chair, but whatever).

Once you reach the other side, you'll find yourself confronted with about a zillion more cards! But don't worry--these ones aren't zombies! (Yet). Just knock 'em all over like Alice did and continue down the path. You'll come to the end of a pier, where you will see the ginormous Jabberwocky Sculpted Prims shop. But you soon realize...there's no way in! Well, you can fly in, but a nice tp or even a stairway would be nice here, guy. If you manage to find your way into the shop, great, because there's not much else left to see on this whole sim. Hopefully they'll add more soon, but for now, it's time to wake up from our Alice nightmare. Honestly, what does that girl eat before going to sleep?

Wascally Wabbits wave buh-bye from Cheshire!

To be continued...

Chapter 3: Weird Shopping!

Curio: They turned Hogwart's into a shopping mall??

Another happy customer at Curio

Good lord! Well, we already know that they sold Paradise and put up a parking lot. But have they sold Hogwart's and turned it into a skin shop? That seems to be the case when you visit Curio, a women's skin and hair shop that's so big it takes up almost its whole sim! Spooky, Gothic architecture turns scaredy-cats away; but everyone else will enjoy the usual conservative styles within--nothing for sale in here is nearly as spooky as the build itself! Creepy secret rooms, a poisoned mushroom patch and hidden tunnels beneath the building seem to promise far more frights than we're in for.

Zac Efron isn't worried about imposters shopping at fratBoy

Men, of course, have a hell of a time finding a decent skin and shape. And you won't find either if you travel to Snafu and visit fratBoy. The area is apparently a gay/twink theme shopping experience. Shirtless cuties--looking too young even for Abercrombie--look down from the walls at you and try to inflame your carnal lust. Here, High School Musical wannabes may purchase a Zac Efron skin that looks more like a clay-faced noob than Zac Efron. Doesn't help that the owner chooses to display the "Zac" skin right next to a picture of the real Zac Efron--so you can compare...and decline. The area is nautically-themed, and features the most obnoxious bell sound, originating from a buoy (calling the buoys in for fun?) The bell sound is so annoying, it ensures that your shopping visit will be a short one.

Wal-Mart of the Weird?

On then, to Pheosia, where it's time to visit everyone's favorite store: Weirdiculous: the store that caters to any taste...or lack thereof! It all looks so innocent at first: the building looks like a Toys-R-Us, complete with giant Lego blocks out in front. But once you get inside, all good taste and breeding gets thrown to the wind! Now you know where all those goofy griefers buy their clothes!

Griefers go ga-ga over Weirdiculous's offerings

A second building serves as an age-verified shop. This time, you'll have to enter through a giant devil's mouth to get in. Hmm...didn't we just do that in Zindra the other day? Inside, all the tacky, tasteless avatars you've come to know and love in Second Life are yours to purchase!

The Gas Chamber: The shop that Taste forgot!

But wait--there's more! There are a few more buildings in the back. You'll have to go through a clown's mouth to get to them, so fear of that alone will probably mean that half of you will never discover The Gas Chamber, a silo-shaped building that features all the "fine offensive products" that you've come to expect.




And remember...if you're a cheapskate and don't buy anything at Weirdiculous, they will take you out back and their cow will grill you!

The ferryman takes you on a one-way journey...

Enough shopping for today! Let's find some good stuff. A quick tp to Dunnideer should land you in the hub of Wicked Land, which is something of an amusement park, filled with pulse-pounding, action-packed terror of the highest order. Gulp! Do we really wanna do this? The first thing you see is a huge gothic castle. This time, however, there will be no skins and hair to buy. There's nothing to buy here...but it seems, you will be asked to sell something. Your soul. Brrr! Shudder!!

"Come to me..." hisses Vampirella. Enjoy the end of your life!

Ascend the stairs and enter the castle. You will find a dock where you will be asked to wait for the ferryman. And here's where things get spooky! The ferryman appears but he looks like that hellish Charon that ferries the dead souls into Hades. Gulp! He won't ask you for a coin, but he'll take you on a boat rip through the sewers, finally landing in front of a small Victorian cottage. No birds sing here; an aura of menace permeates the air. Hesitantly, you walk up the stairs to the cottage; the doors swing open by themselves! You find yourself in a tiny drawing room and on the wall...a portrait of Vampirella herself. Its eyes glow! And you hear her voice in a loud whisper beckoning you to "COME HERE..." "COME TO ME..." Slowly, Vampirella materializes up through the floor. You discover that the doors no longer open! There's nowhere to run, now--nowhere to hide. Vampirella comes closer and closer until she bites you on the neck! A pit opens up in the floor--hellfire flames shoot up. You fall--down, down, down to earth...landing in an open grave with your avatar's name enscribed upon it! And that's the end of you! But all's not lost. You realize that somehow your existence continues. But in what form? You shudder and try to leave the cemetary. But wait--Vampirella appears again. She has a gift for you. Take it, but whatever you do--don't sit on her! You'll regret it!!!

These dragons mean business!

If you manage to make it out of the cemetery alive, you can continue on your tour of Wicked Land. A long corridor brings you back to the hub, and another long staircase brings you to the castle turrets. Turn to the left, and you'll see...GOLD! Lots of gold! Oh boy, don't you want some? But wait--there's a little problem. Mean ol' dragons guard the loot. You'll see a sword stuck in the ground; click on it, and you'll have a handy weapon with which to fight them off, complete with instructions. Defeat the dragons for a prize. Be careful--loose and they'll send you flying into the stratosphere, or trap you in a pit with a dead noob.

Oh shit--the witches have spotted you! You've had it now!

Back to the turrets, you may choose to venture to the right side this time. In another section of the castle, you'll find three witches, busily doing whatever it is that witches do when no one's looking. A sign warns you not to disturb them, but of course you do it anyway. And that's when all hell breaks loose! Don't say you weren't warned!!

After getting away from what the witches do to you (if you can get away), you may see Vampirella waving goodbye to you from atop a hill, innocently posing next to a child's sandbox. What is she doing up there anyway? It's best we never know. And it's time we left Wicked Land. It's just so...wicked!!!

Chapter 2: The Prisoner of Zindra

So now we visit what is probably, (secretly), the most popular continent in all of Second Life: Zindra! Yes, it's the so-called "sex continent." And a quick visit to any sim in Zindra will worry you into thinking that you're the only resident of SL that isn't having wild, uninhibited sex 24/7. Whew! What you want, you find! From swingin' sexy singles clubs to BDSM palaces, to pixelated penises to horses that hump, Zindra's got it all! Or does it?

Bird's-Eye view of Zindra, and its hundreds of lust-crazed inhabitants!

Now you must be age-verified to visit Zindra...(duh.) But let's just start by having a look at the map. Here, clever sim owners tempt you down to ground level with tantalizing skywriting messages that promise you enticing diversions like "Latex and Escorts," "Slave Sales," "Penis Gallery," and of course, "Hugsalot's Shemale Harlots." And here you will soon realize...that this continent is busy! A quick view shows you literally hundreds of green dots in that very small area. Holy cow! Everybody in SL must be down there...having wild, crazy sex!!! Or are they?

Now, I realize that most residents of SL wouldn't set foot in any sim that seems not only a Den of Iniquity but a sure gateway to Hell. Oh, no no. But, for the curious and shy, I sampled a few sin-filled sims and will now report back to you my findings.

I arrived randomly in a sim called Fredrix, landing right in the middle of a Linden road slyly titled "Route XXX." Hot to trot, panting with anticipation, I lustfully perve-cammed around. So where are all those loose boys and girls out for an x-rated holiday? But...I found little more than a gas station and a couple of tasteful gift shops. Rats! Where's all the hoo-hah? There seemed to be a sparcity of, ahem--action in these parts, and vacancies and rental signs abounded. Not an avatar in sight. But, thoughts of sin and lust beckoned me forward--(pant, pant, pant!) on down the road through Guittarez and into Terri where the Linden road abruptly ended. But not to worry, because now things seemed to finally be getting interesting! And so our naughty little travelogue begins...

To your right you may venture onto a waterfall build called "Viagra Falls." (Well, at least the puns are improving). Eerily enough, while the water animation is flowing, the water has no sound. You're allowed to wander through the caves and rocks and try out all those oh-so-naughty poseballs--bring along a companion if you're lonely.

Leaving Viagra Falls and turning to the other side of where Route XXX used to be, we come upon an astonishing statue, which I'll let speak for itself:

The grid-famous SheMale statue!

Her/his presence marks your arrival at the SheMale Sex Palace! And while that statue is not soon to be forgotten, pull your cam back and you'll see that He/She is not alone!

Horny Devil harbors Eternal Lust for our Hapless SheMale.

Yep, folks--that's the Devil himself lusting after our hapless He/She/It! I told  you Zindra was the Gateway to Hell! And wow, does the devil look horny! If you're really bored, you're allowed to actually go walk around inside the devil and see his guts! A sign promising "Free Fud" beckons you down into ol' Nick Scratch's gullet where you soon realize that you're the "free fud." But no scripted traps are to be found here--you may simply walk right back out of his belly--don't even have to light a fire in him like Pinocchio did. Leaving the belly of the Beast, you hear odd sounds coming from beneath the Temple; a quick look below and you'll discover milking devices (for yourself, presumably) and the opportunity to get up close and personal with one of two horses. Whinney!!!

SheMales act bored at the SheMale Sex Palace.

But you soon realize that the Temple and statues are far from the main attraction here in Terri--that honor would have to go to the grid-famous SheMale Sex Palace itself, which promises dancing, sex and dungeons. To get to the club, take a trip down a long fishing pier labeled "the big red bum annex," (presumably in honor of Satan's big red ass, rather than any exciting spanking diversions). Once you find yourself in the club, you'll discover that it's huge and nicely built. But on the day I visited, 22 SheMales were simply standing around in the lobby--no music, no dancing, not so much as a word to me or to each other. Hmm...wonder what they were all waiting for? I didn't stick around long enough to ask, although I did hear an occasional whipping gesture coming from the dungeon below.

Floating UFO worries a giant sheep

Terri also boasts an Olympic-sized swimming pool, complete with its own Waterslide and giant sheep sculpture. The sheep is accompanied by humping otter figures while a real UFO hovers ominously above.

Gloom and Despair in Moorinda

Things are getting creepy as a row of buildings mark the boundary of Moorinda. The main attraction here seems to be a enormous and rather gloomy nightclub with dance cages and pillars shaped like human spines. You may shop for spooky clothes and avatars; presumably its night life is the place to be.



If a sense of dread and despair isn't your thing, you might want to move on. You came to Zindra for sex, right? So on we go, into Varandic and the impossibly huge Serotica Erotic Art Gallery. Here you will find x-rated artworks for your purchase and viewing pleasure, strangely juxtaposed into a classic Moorish setting. If you don't find the hundreds of sluts to your liking, one click changes the pictures and you can see hundreds more!! Nine stories of bimbo art await you.

Serotica Art Gallery: A skycraper of sluts!

But here my uninterrupted wanderings came to an end due to ban lines. So I tp'd up the coast to McFarren, where I discovered Lar's skybox nightclub, where "Old men and younger women meet for fun and dancing." The build looks like a raucous roadhouse, with enough panties hanging from the ceiling to make Tom Jones proud. You don't suppose he's a regular?

Chains of Love at Lar's

The place was packed with nearly 30 avatars at the time of my visit. And ironically, it struck me as kind of interesting how here in SL these "old men" all had avatars that looked like ripped 20-somethings. Kinds of defeats the purpose, don't you think?

to be continued...

Chapter 1: Happy Rez Day!

We need to get around a little more.

We, the residents of Second Life, seem to follow a very narrow path, day after day. We log in and may visit our own homes and sims, a couple of dance clubs and shops, a favorite hangout where friends are sure to be...but that's about it. Despite the fact that there are tens of thousands of sims to visit, any sense of exploration or wanderlust doesn't seem to be in our avatars' bloodstreams. We SL residents seem to suffer from a deplorable lack of curiosity of the world around us. Few seem to explore. I don't know why, but considering the vastness of our pixelated SL universe, it seems a pity we rarely travel outside our comfort zones.

Welcome to Second Life! Your journey begins here...

I sometimes feel like an outcast, in that I just don't sit still for long. While I may be having a good time at any given event, those intriguing shapes and buildings I see far off into the distance on the next sim always beckon me forward. The tourist in me usually wins out in the end, and off I go. Sometimes what I find, I love. Sometimes what I find, I hate. Sometimes I find nice people, sometimes rude. Sometimes the greatest entertainment value of SL is sit here and make fun of it all! I therefore invite you share in my wanderings in order for you to get a better appreciation of the hugeness, diversity (and sometimes outright stupidity!) that is Second Life.

Typical confused noob on his Rez Day.

To start our journey, where better than in the place where it begins for many: Orientation Island. The first destination for many Rez Day noobs, Orientation Island is a lovely Linden-built tropical paradise, with many informational placards and features and (occasionally) helpful residents to guide you on your first day. Here you'll find a lot of noobs with their crummy Rez Day avatars and their horrible original AO. But if they pay attention, (hopefully) they'll learn how to walk, fly and even type.

Confused noob meets bitchy regulars in Orientation Island

Here also, are a lot of regulars who have nowhere better to go, and who've seemingly never left the nest. Most of the regulars hang out at the summit, which is the highest point on the west side of the island. The sim is heavily trafficked by regulars and can become very, very laggy. Noobs may wander the island, clicking on the many informational kiosks and asking help of older residents. Eventually, the regulars will tire of the lag and try to get rid of noob avatars by resorting to rude gestures and swearing. Then they'll beg them to move on to the next level. They haven't far to go: the next logical step in learning about Second Life is just in the very next sim to the West: Help Island!

The fun of learning how to build objects!

There are actually two Help Islands, but only Help Island1 ever seems to get any traffic. If you jump off the summit in Orientation Island, you may swim over to Help Island1 very easily (or just fly, or walk under the water. Why not? This is Second Life!). The first thing you will find is the sandbox. Here, hapless noobs valiantly attempt to learn the mysteries of sculpting, building, and texturing. Park your avatar at a safe distance and watch the fun unfold! (Scripting has been disabled for this particular sandbox to foil griefers; so you can't really accomplish a whole lot, if you have some advanced work to do).

Noobs can be overloaded with new info!

So forget about the sandbox (except for the noob-watching entertainment value), and continue on to the futuristic-looking platform which is the main greeting area for the sim. Usually a good two dozen noobs and regulars stand around at any given time. Here noobs are generally a tad more advanced. They've probably been to a freebie shop by this time (notice all the avatars with "Sexy Freebie Paradise" as their labels! Wonder where they went on their first day?) They ask lots of questions. Most of them want to know why in the heck they seem to be wearing two different kinds of hair and shoes at the same time. Help them, won't you? By patiently explaining to them about bald bases, shoe forms and how to remove an unwanted piece of clothing?

Things are generally very mellow here, with but a few disturbances, usually just dorky types wanting to know where to go to have sex. There are many regulars here; my least favorite is a character named MikeC Althouse who wears an enormous spider-like avatar that spews particle spam. He uses a voice changer to sound like Darth Vader and lobs insults at regulars and noobs alike, reminding everyone in sight of how stupid they are in his presence. He purports to be helpful, when in fact he's an object of great dismay for many who encounter him, and far more feeble-minded than the people he calls stupid. He habitually makes it a point to get people banned though, so look out! He's possibly SL's most prolific serial AR filer!

By now, you should pretty much understand the basics of Second Life and you're ready to cut loose the apron strings and get down to some serious building and exploring, right? Nah, maybe not. But we'll continue our little tour, by venturing out to SL's very popular Welcome Areas! Or as they're more appropriately known, the Unwelcome Areas. First up: let's take a quick trip, just a few sims away, to loveable Waterhead!

The mischievous merry-makers of Waterhead.

Waterhead is probably the least-trafficked of all the major SL welcome areas. And there's a good reason for that: the people there are mean!!! Generally, the area skews towards younger users. Dance gestures abound, and crude and sometimes outright x-rated avatars are to be seen everywhere. Residents here also like to make drug references, call one another "fag" and play very loud and ghastly music over Voice. You will also hear some of the foulest gestures ever recorded, but those gestures are nothing compared to the nasty venom that comes out of the kids' potty mouths! Rarely will you ever tp into this area and not come into the middle of some big Battle Royale between two or more residents. If you don't like bitching and juvenile behavior...just stay away from Waterhead!!!

Ahern: four sims full of sheer bitchiness!

For those a little more adventurous, there's always beautiful Ahern to visit. Ahern is actually the hub of four adjoining sims, so traffic there can be insanely and very densely populated at peak times. Ahern's regulars seem a bit older than Waterhead's...but I didn't say they seemed more mature. Juvenile pranks and incessant bitching are the order of the day. Ahern seems to attract a very low class and disgrunted mob of worldwide users. The median educational level here seems to be that of high school dropout. The level of griefing here is high, but it's also very half-witted!

Ahern: a total zoo?

But Ahern is also renowned for its colorful sightings of non-sequitur avatars. From the profoundly beautiful to the whimsically wacky, Ahern seems to be the place to go to show off the fact that you wish every day was Halloween. Avatar-watchers flock to Ahern just to watch the show. Others just view Ahern as a total zoo!

Waterfalzz Extraordinaire: the Queen Bee of SL!

Presiding over all in Ahern is the infamous Waterfalzz Extraordinaire, a SL mainstay is one of its most controversial citizens! Her crime, it seems, it generally that of scolding noobs incessantly and of possessing a rather annoying voice. There has been a concerted effort by annoyed users to get her perma-banned. So far, no go. There is also a complete blog mocking her and her Ahern cohorts. Her rants also seem to be a perennial favorite topic of hastily-made Youtube videos. Waters (as she is known) is almost a permanent fixture and may be seen holding court in front of the Games pavilion at all hours of the day.

Well, that's enough of "welcome" areas for now. I'm sure you have a better understanding of just how mean some of these places can really be! More tomorrow!

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So who am I? In the immortal words of Gossip Girl, "that's one secret I'll never tell!" I may be that quiet, unassuming little avatar that always seem to be present at any given event: mute, inactive, yet strangely, somehow involved. When you randomly hear a picture being taken, maybe it was me, preserving your strange doin's for posterity. But you'll never really know. I can be any avatar, anywhere, at any time. And while you never know where I'll be, follow this blog and you'll at least see where I've been.

to be continued...